Crying
A Stoic of the woods, a man without a tear. --Campbell.
Crying. The gift of tears. Natural way of healing.
Never had the relief of such as being able to cry, not since years back when my beloved dog died. Somewhere during my teenage years, expressing grief has been an experience I have somehow either displaced, or completely rid off my emotional vocabulary.
I have an innate ability to push away or internalise the feelings of sorrow, despair, fear, dejection, loss, disappointment, etc... you get the idea. Never cried at funerals, neither did I shed any tears with intense physical pain nor emotional hurt. They get all nicely thrown back deep down in a pit (I call it my abyss) which already I believe needs to be cleared as the stuffs in there have piled up and solidified. It's like a heart that has been hardened on the OUTSIDE, in a cryogenic state.
There came a point where I thought the idea of stoicism (the principle or practice of showing indifference to pleasure or pain) and being in that state keeps me safe from the vulnerability of the heart. And with it came the inability to openly express affection, love and the suppression of passion. And that, had an impact in my interpersonal relationship with people in the past. I lost spontaneity. I lost myself.
Last year, it was an arduous struggle in my acting class just doing simple appearances of HAPPINESS, LOVE, JOY which most other people were just natural at. Afterwhich, some serious self evaluation and soul searching took place. Result : a case of Come Undone.
~ to be continued
Crying. The gift of tears. Natural way of healing.
Never had the relief of such as being able to cry, not since years back when my beloved dog died. Somewhere during my teenage years, expressing grief has been an experience I have somehow either displaced, or completely rid off my emotional vocabulary.
I have an innate ability to push away or internalise the feelings of sorrow, despair, fear, dejection, loss, disappointment, etc... you get the idea. Never cried at funerals, neither did I shed any tears with intense physical pain nor emotional hurt. They get all nicely thrown back deep down in a pit (I call it my abyss) which already I believe needs to be cleared as the stuffs in there have piled up and solidified. It's like a heart that has been hardened on the OUTSIDE, in a cryogenic state.
There came a point where I thought the idea of stoicism (the principle or practice of showing indifference to pleasure or pain) and being in that state keeps me safe from the vulnerability of the heart. And with it came the inability to openly express affection, love and the suppression of passion. And that, had an impact in my interpersonal relationship with people in the past. I lost spontaneity. I lost myself.
Last year, it was an arduous struggle in my acting class just doing simple appearances of HAPPINESS, LOVE, JOY which most other people were just natural at. Afterwhich, some serious self evaluation and soul searching took place. Result : a case of Come Undone.
~ to be continued
1 Comments:
wonderful article piece...i loved it. reminds me of my ego. had the same trouble before but i realised tht i can be sensitive (& v.sensitive) if i let my emotions overwhelm/take total control of myself. i don't mind being emotional BUT as an actor, i MUST hv control because tht's the beauty in acting - control:being able 2 control emotions & channel it into something else.
which reminds me...i'm learning 2 control better thn b4!! :)
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